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branwyn

February 2017

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HONESTLY, IT'S COMPLETELY FINE THAT MY BED JUST BROKE FOR THE THIRD TIME IN TWO YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT, YOU SAY? NO, NO, NOT THE SAME BED. THE THIRD REPLACEMENT BED.

I'M SORRY? YOU SAID I SHOULDN'T BUY BEDS FROM WAL-MART ANYMORE? THEN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN BUY A BRAND NEW DOUBLE BED FOR LESS THAN $100 USD WITH FREE SHIPPING. OH, I SHOULD SPEND MORE ON A BED? THANK YOU FOR YOUR PAYPAL DONATION AND/OR PAID WORK OPPORTUNITY, I'LL GET RIGHT THE FUCK ON THAT.

WHAT'S THAT? HOW MUCH DO I WEIGHT? NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, BUT HERE'S A TIP: DOUBLE BEDS ARE MADE FOR TWO PEOPLE. I DO NOT WEIGH MORE THAN TWO ADULT HUMANS.

AM I SLEEPING WRONG? WELL I DUNNO POINDEXTER, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? OH, I SHOULDN'T TOSS AND TURN SO MUCH? THANKS FOR THE TIP, I AWAIT YOUR GROUNDBREAKING CURE FOR MY NIGHTMARES AND PARASOMNIA.

This update brought to you by my cat, who was so traumatized by the collapse of the furniture she was sleeping on, followed by the non-existence of the place she normally hides from frightening things aka UNDERNEATH THE BED, that she has vanished somewhere else in the house and I can't go to bed until she gets back because I can't sleep unless my door is locked and I can't lock her out from litter box access all night.

This update also brought to you by this public service announcement: sweep underneath your beds more often, because you never know when you'll suddenly need to sleep on a mattress on the floor.

(What's that? At least I have my box spring? No, because the last time my bed broke, I got rid of it, because my new bed had comfy new wooden slats! Which are still in peak condition, unlike the soldering that attached the legs of my bed to the frame.)

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